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ohcherub_rock
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Name: Alinaaaaaa.
Birthday: 1/29/1900
Gender: Female
Interests: Explosions in the Sky, Apples in Stereo, Radiohead, Godspeed you! black emperor, Sufjan Stevens, Patrick Wolf, British Sea Power, Metric, Mae, Bloc Party, They Might Be Giants, Belle and Sebastian, The Desaparacidos, The Weakerthans, The Shins, The Rocket Summer, The Good Life, Muse, Smashing Pumpkins, Iron and Wine, Elliott Smith, The Postal Service, The Mars Volta, Eve 6, At The Drive-In, Ben Kweller, Blonde Redhead, Placebo, & my girl Gwen Stefani, of course.
Expertise: making you feel violated, picking out the best cloud shapes ever.
Occupation: Artist
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/10/2005
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| I need advice. From something omniscient.
That won't happen.
So I'll suffer in confusion.
Until I'm on 50. Screaming at a photo of myself at 19.
fragmentfragmentvomit | | |
| how could anyone have told me this was okay to do? | | |
| So if you didn't notice (whoever you are..) this has become a depository for only the most depressing of my thoughts, because I don't want to burden anyone else with them and must act as cheerful as normal otherwise. It's my thing. I cheer people up.
Most of these thoughts are very fleeting and I can with about a 90% success rate look back on them and say "glad that's passed!" At the time, I'm very aware this'll be the case because, well, I'm emotionally flakey. I feel something other than contentment or complacency and FLIP OUT!
So let's evaluate the past few times this has happened:
-Getting friend divorced
-Being infatuated with the crazy guy (WHAT THE FUCK ALINA WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK WAS THAT?) I'll attribute this to the general stress of moving and potentially being in prime rebound/gotta-try-something-new state. Maybe I just missed the old bookstore and projected that onto being obsessed with him for about a week. God I'm glad that was over.
-Right now.
I haven't gone two weeks without crying once a day at the very least. I suck it up and smile right after because, come on, the show must go on.. but really. This happened last year too. And I remedied that then because I could and all was right with the world immediately thereafter.
Then something bad happened again.
Now I'm responding the same way.
But I can't fix it this time because I have fucked up more royally than I thought possible. I am not exaggerating when I say I do not have the capacity to forgive myself for this. Never before have the dynamics of so many relationships been at stake, and all because of my selfishness.
So I could fuck things up more and risk having nothing, or I could hope to God it goes away and be left for however long wondering "what if?"
I'm a coward and crazy, apparently. Don't know who to go to for advice because I realized today there are approximately 3.5 people I can trust with all my heart. And I fear even their scorn.
Oh well. College, right. | | |
| It's official: I'm a monster.
And I want away from these thoughts. Immediately. | | |
| apparently it's unreasonable to expect everyone I care about to be happy. I would kill for that to be the case, but when I'm happy, someone is hurting. When I'm hurting, people can only pretend they care or understand, because they're thanking their lucky stars they're not me, even if just a little. Right now I'm hurting because you're not happy.
And that's possibly worse.
Even worse than sounding like I'm 14 and angsty while writing about it.
I want to rewind time. Not sure if that's worth the happy that's happening now. Not sure if the happy is worth the hurt. Two separate entities, apparently, and eliminating one does not make the other suddenly appear.
I miss bus rides, fruit, the clap clap clap of heels on cold pavement, mutual confusion, mutual loneliness that was for some reason okay because someone else felt it too.
I guess I'm going to live alone next year. It's inevitable at this point. | | |
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